You are Being Watched (In 15 ways)

sticker,375x360-bg,ffffff.u2Believe it or not, we are being watched. With surveillance cameras on the rise, consumer tracking, and GPS everywhere, we now live in a world where it is impossible not to be seen “off the radar”.

Conspiracy theorist the world over are shouting ‘I told you so’ (from an undisclosed location, of course). And they did. The Edward Snowdens of the world told us that everything we own can be used to spy on us, and I mean everything:

How,  Colorful words hang on rope

  1. Charge it!:Every transaction is monitored and tracked, keep this in mind next time you swipe your card at Christian Grey’s Pleasure Palace or the Playboy Mansion…
  2. Be very, very quiet: By now we’re all used to the fact that cameras are everywhere but how about those seemingly innocuous signs that read: “Your picture and voice may be recorded.” Excuse me, my voice may be recorded?! What the actual {PG}? There’s no way they can do that! But, thanks to microphones in public places, they can and they are…
  3. Call me maybe: Okay, here’s the deal; It is completely legal for the NSA to listen in on your phone conversations with people who are not in the country. Additionally, the government can collect what they call metadata; time, date, location, phone numbers of each call. So to all of you who still think there’s nothing to worry about…here’s definitive proof that it’s time to start worrying.
  4. Peepshow: In case you need another reason not to get a web-cam (you know, aside from the extra pressure of having to look good for your computer) here’s one; “It was recently reported that the FBI can access your web-cam in a remote fashion – they can turn it on if they want, as well,” They’re watching us folks, literally.
  5. The new, “old” mail: While we’re on the subject of computers, Gmail and Yahoo web-based e-mail services have the right to scan the content of your emails. All the better to coerce, sorry, complement your buying habits.
  6. What’s on your mind?: When it comes to information gathering, the folks at Facebook could teach as class; Names, ages, relationship status, and, increasingly, people’s preferences on everything, all in one place! No need to gather information, people just give it to them! And when that’s not enough (cause it never is) they have it set up so that if you “like” a page on Facebook (even without going to their website) they can see the other websites you’re on, following you around the internet. Maybe this is why there’s no “dislike” button…
  7. Take a picture, it will last longer: How can taking a picture do anything else but show the world how awesome you are? Well, if you took that picture with a smart-phone, or even a modern digital camera there’s a good chance that the picture recorded where it was taken using the built-in GPS. That’s great for building maps of your holidays, but not so good if you’re trading snaps with strangers…
  8. Robo-douche: If you happen to be in a dispute with your neighbor, beware because they’re inside your home. ANGRY’NEIGHBOR (a creepy bugging device) can track objects in rooms, listen in, and check out what’s displayed on computer monitors. So much for that fence between your properties…
  9. The hills have eyes: Or at least, the mannequins do. We have eye’see mannequins in some stores to watch you while you shop. Nothing creepy about that…
  10. Phone it in: Don’t Skype. There is new technology for Skype that reportedly can tell if you’re faking being sick, so if you’re trying to pull a fast one on your boss, do it via text.
  11. Google knows all: Google reads and stores every letter you type into its search bar. Think about that for a sec; medical or mental health information, an update on your favorite mayoral candidate, the schedule of your church’s potluck dinner, or the latest sex toys, Google (and the people running it) know all about it…
  12. You-boob: Did you watch that ‘two girls one cup video?’ No? Are you sure? Cause I can check with You-Tube, okay, I can’t but somebody can, and they can see all of your lo-def secrets, from your love of Hillary Clinton to how many times a day you listen to ‘everything is awesome’. Don’t bother clearing your browser, you were doomed the moment you decided to search for the ‘how to twerk’ video…
  13. If I were invisible, and I could just watch you in your room: Google Street View; A real time photo of your house. Enough said.
  14. Nerd Power: The danger of Google Glass cannot be overstated; Google Glass is to spying as the internet is to communication; this is a mobile computer mounted on the frames of eyeglasses which will follow your verbal commands and help you make sense of what you see by, say, displaying reviews of a restaurant that’s within your field of vision. In other words, Glass will give Google access to what you say, what others around you are saying, and what you see. Shit just got real (strange).
  15. Back to basics: So, with all of this hi tech spying, uh, that is, informing, the simple solution is to go low tech right? Wrong; Introducing ECHELON,a global network of computers that monitors your e-mail, phone records and Web surfing on behalf of several world governments, all in the interest of, supposedly keeping tabs on potential terrorists and other assorted criminal masterminds. Whatever intergalactic team of anal probe wielding space dwellers created ECHELON also came up with a way to embed every piece of paper that goes through a laser jet printer with a microscopic code that identifies the specific printer that the paper came from. In other words, that harmless fantasy football roster you printed out may end up costing you your job. Sounds fair, right?

 

obama-shh

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